Silence is Golden

Crappy week.

Let me start with the minor things. I have no full time employment. I have no future apartment or job.

Let me tell you what is really bothering me. On Saturday I went with the girl from Miami -- N -- to a rock concert. She knew the headlining act, and was obliged to go. Heck, I didn't even really want to go, it just turned out to be the most convenient thing to do. And it was free. So we go, and I see this band whose music I have on my computer b4 hand and who were pretty enjoyable. Then we see a pretty rockin band, then a weird noise band, and finally -- the terrible terrible deathly terrible final act.

Suffice to say, they put on the gig, were pretensious and boring, boring, derivative, and LOUD. At certain points they turned their distortion, pitch, and volume on high. Now we were standing at the front near the speakers so she could be seen by her accquaintences. This noise peirced my eardrums like daggers. I dont remember ever feeling physical pain from sound, but this truly hurt. Then they would ease off and return to their normal wailing, then jam on the pain again in the name of Rock. I longed to be in a Munch painting with my hands over my ears, but couldnt since I was 2 feet away from the singer, and for some stupid reason didn't just leave the floor. In anycase, their set lasted 15-20 minutes and they were done. Afterwards, outside, I asked N if her ears were still ringing. She said no...

Cut forward 115 hours. My right ear has a persistent ring in it. It never goes away. Sometimes it fades from my conciousness, but is always there. It is usually at a constant volume, but sometimes it waxes and wanes ever so slightly. On the train or outside it is easy not to hear it. With music playing it is not too noticible. It isnt even THAT loud. It sounds like a computer monitor or a computer booting up. Its a high pitched, metallic, unnatural squeal. Well, more cold than squeal, lets say a pure tone. Its surprising how unorganic it sounds.

I hoped to give it a few days to clear, right now that is all I can do, but days keep passing and the noise remains. As I said, sometimes when I dont think about it, I dont notice it, but thats kind of like always having a thought in your mind that you know you can't think about. I am talking about this affliction as if its permanent. That is because I fear it is. My symptoms seem consistent with, pardon me while I knock on wood, tinnitus.

There is no cure for tinnitus, although there is treatment. (Some research, though, suggests that you may be able to heal the damage with hyperbaric oxygen treatment, or sessions in a 100% pressurized oxygen container, within a few months of the traumatic injury.) There are also mental training excersizes that you can do. Tinnitus is caused for various reasons, one of which is acoustic trauma. The inner ear hairs become damaged, and the associated nerves start firing off random signals to the brain that correspond to no physical sound.

The ringing is bothersome. But bothersome things are nothing to cry about. What is awful is knowing that for the rest of my life I may be fatigued by this constant, omnipresent irritation. I also presently have fears that it may get worse. Initially I just heard the ringing in my right ear, but going to bed 2 nights ago, I heard a faint ring in my left, and last night, I heard an additional noise (like metallic crickets) in my right... I don't want my ear condition to get any worse. And what is also sad, is that I may not ever hear silence again. I've been pretty depressed this week. It'd be bad enough if this happened at middle or old age. But I'm only 21, and am not looking forward to enduring 60 years of noise. I'm not going clubbing on Friday for my birthday for obvious reasons.

...

"All in all, at least you've got your health."

Eoin