Thoughts

I am almost 25 years old. That is about one third of my expected life span. I am no spring chicken. Yet, I look at my friends around me getting engaged, getting married, and I think – what? Marriage? That’s such a grown up thing! Why are you doing that?

It makes sense. After college we enter into adulthood. At least, that is the course many follow. I mean adulthood as a sociological function. Entering into the community of adults as a full-fledged member, with common goals and behaviors. Where else is there to go but to get a job and get married? Now I am not being cynical. I have never experienced the strong love that people do, so, assuming it is out there for me, I have been missing out. However, in the place of a warm love, I can take intellectual comfort in a life that is hard and jagged, a warm, fluffy life is antithetical to me. I don’t want to live an ascetic life, and from all the monetary assistance I receive from my parents I don’t, not materialistically. Yet, at a time when I am more comfortable and happy than ever, I find myself thrusting out into the great unknown, in search of some purpose. I am willing this great chapter in my life to end, knowing that it will be one of the regrets of my later days, along with not perfecting Japanese. If only I could be a person who could be content, I should likely stay in Japan. And, in the sense that I believe it is in my nature to never be satisfied, and to flee from happiness, I can take intellectual solace that to do such requires a certain strength of will, which I apparently have.

Around my age, people start to become adults. I have one friend a year or two younger than me, who is married already. Good for her. Me? I have not yet been ready to do such a thing. I remember one Wednesday night I got drunk in my room alone because I could, I had nothing better to do, and it was a national holiday the next day. I emailed my brother, bragging of my fortune. He put it succinctly, “ enjoy slackerdom for as long as you can. ”

I don’t know when this life gets old, but judging by my friends, it can last a long time. When I go to my local bar, on any given day I can expect to see some friends. Weekdays and weekends blur past distinction. You drink until one or two, walk home, wake up at seven, hit the snooze button until seven-thirty, go to work, and start the cycle all over again. GOCers have some concept of right and wrong, propriety, that doesn’t enable them to go out drinking on the weekdays like we do over here. Recently someone told me they dreaded Mondays, and I thought, suck it up, be prepared for five hours of sleep, and every day can me the same. The thought of dreading Mondays fills me with dread, actually. Would I stay in Japan, I could look forward to years more of easy living; I am still young. As it turns out, most of my friends are late twenties, early thirties.

Perhaps in your twenties, one starts to crave stability. You love someone, they make you happy, you decide, why not make this permanent? Why not stop running and, to use the wonderfully meaning-infused phrase “settle down ”? This logical progression crosses borders, as here in Japan people seem to get married after college in their twenties as well. College is such a gruel that who can blame someone for wanting to take a permanent break. Life is so much easier with stability, and especially with a partner. Now, I have generally always been a loner. In high school I had a group of friends called the Fantastic Five, but this was somewhat artificial. I sat with people at lunch, and was friends with most, but they were not all friends with each other. In college, I had a wide range of friends, but never really fell into any one group. In fact, I resisted it. It seemed too staid to limit oneself to one set of friends. However, now as I approach 25, I find myself in a social circle like never before, and I quite like it. It isn’t a group of friends, per-say. We don’t all go out and get dinner. But we all go to the same bar, we all go to the same rock shows, we are all friends or friendly, and if, after a rock show, you go to dinner, you can invite your friend, who invites her friend, who invites her friend, and miraculously, everyone already knows each other and is on friend-like terms. This sort of dynamic is new to me, but it is very appealing. Kobe is such a small city, this would be hard to replicate in other places. Physicists are generally such nerds, that I wouldn’t be seeking out something like this with my classmates next year. Similarly as other people find a satisfying comfort in a loved one around my age, I have found satisfying comfort being part of a community. Ahhhhhh… the rub is, as weeks go on, I become better and better friends with the people in this group, but I only have weeks left in Japan. Then, I leave.

There are many aspects of Japanese culture that resonate with me. I can name them better than when I first arrived. I hesitate to do so, at the risk of otherizing the place in which I live. But since this is a blog about my life in Japan, I may be able to get away with it. Or one, there is a lack of guilt in Japanese society. You don’t see someone feel bad for drinking on a Tuesday night, and for better or worse, cheating on your significant seems rampant. While I don’t support cheating, seeing almost everyone engage in it has made me realize just how many of our Western values we put on self-evident pedestals. (Hey, everyone does it, and if they don’t find out, who does it hurt?) You don’t have to explain yourself like you do in the GOC. You are an autonomous being and are presumed to have made the correct decision yourself, end of story. There is less ruffling of peacock feathers over here, fewer loud drunken males, fewer people hurling epithets at each other, and much more safety. There is a premium placed on kindness! When in groups, people act as members of a group, instead of an aggregate of individuals. Also, last but not least, I would say that if the average GOC girl rates in at a 6/10 on the looks scale, the Japanese rates in at a 7/10. I am sorry, but Japanese girls are in better shape, wear more womanly clothes, better make up, etc.

To contrast with the negative aspects of the GOC, well, gluttony – ordering for one and discovering the portions are big enough for two, loudness – shouting matches are the way to win conversations (why are conversations competitions anyways?,) directness – which is a trait that only GOCers find self-evidently good, a lack of safety, people in your face and assuming that they have a right to know your business, going somewhere in a group and each person deciding to do whatever it is they want to. This is a vague general list. I get depressed thinking about going back.

But I must. I have decided to pursue physics and will. Pursuing physics ascribes to my life something greater than teaching English. It is the triumph of the will over the heart. Will I come back? I kind of hope so. I realize there are negative things about life here that I did not touch upon (people’s indecisiveness, long work hours, a pressure to maintain appearances,) but the general refined subtlety of Japan appeals to me more than the blunt, hurtling train of the GOC. Perhaps it is Kobe, I don’t know. I don’t know if I have just found a magical city to live in. If I lived in Tokyo, perhaps my feelings would be different. I fear losing my Japanese abilities and friends. If I came back, I hope I can regain both. When I am older, if I have the opportunity to do physics in Japan, will I have the ability to resist the sirens’ call of stability and move once again?